January 24th, 2010 by John 
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Photo used under Creative Commons from mdanys
Last week, as I was strolling through the frozen food section of my favorite grocery store, I over heard a young one telling his Mom that he wanted a magazine. He was probably about eight or so. I don’t know, I’m a terrible judge of ages, but let’s go with it. Very calmly, with a smile, she told him “No.” Like all eight year olds, this boy was persistent. He didn’t take “No.” for an answer. Good for him, I thought! He’ll probably grow up to be a great negotiator one day.
Our Mom didn’t find it so amusing and calmly repeated her answer, “No.” This only invigorated our young one. He upped the ante and with an elevated voice told Mom in no uncertain terms that he wanted that magazine. Mom sternly repeated her answer and proceeded to tell the boy that he could not have the magazine because he had not cleaned his room. Good for her! Way to go! Yea! I was impressed! The boy quickly responded, “I’ll clean my room when I get home, if you buy me the magazine.” Uh, oh. This is a situation that every parent is familiar with, “the promise.” She has a decision to make. Mom responds, “You have been promising to clean your room for over a week. Remember the Ice Cream?” Yeah! Go Mom! By now, I’m into it like an episode of Survivor. What’s Mom’s next move? Will she get suckered and give in? Or will she prove her parental worthiness and stick to her guns?
At this point, I’m reading the ingredients on a frozen burrito, trying to appear uninterested. Mom repeats her answer, “NO!” and she pushed her cart around the corner. Cool. Score one for parents everywhere.
You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me
A few minutes later, I’m passing the magazine aisle and guess what? There’s Mom, psychologically reasoning with her son, who is now holding the magazine. He is hopping up and down, ever so slightly, repeatedly asking for the magazine. She is continuing to say “No.” I shook my head in amazement as I pushed my cart down the aisle. I don’t know about you, but my son would have never come close to that magazine aisle. Not in a million years.
Respect means honoring other people and treating them with care and courtesy.
Houston, We Have A Problem
I finished up my shopping and was making my way to the check out, when I noticed the mother and son, one register over. He was holding the magazine, crying and being very loud. Mom continued to say “No.” and repeatedly explained why, very calmly. The boy continued to get louder and louder.
“Self-discipline means taking ownership, accountability and responsibility for our behavior. It is one of the most important qualities we can help our kids develop,” says Robert Brooks, Ph.D., of Harvard Medical School
Shock And Awe
What happened next stunned me. Seeing that he was getting no where fast, the boy decided to deploy a new strategy, one which he probably had successfully used before. He began screaming. Yes, I mean screaming and crying, like someone was killing him. When this didn’t seem to have the desired results, he began throwing himself on the floor. Next, he added banging his head on the concrete. Mom quickly quipped, “Alright, alright, I’ll buy you the magazine. But you need to clean your room when we get home.” No she didn’t! Yes she did. Good luck with that Mom, let me know how that works out for you.
I guess she sort of had no choice at that point. The two had attracted the attention of EVERYONE in the store. She had a decision to make… bound, gag and roll him out of the store OR buy him the magazine. I’m kidding… well sorta.
I’m Going To Count To 3…One…Two…
I can’t imagine doing that to my Mom. Did I throw the occasional temper tantrum? You bet, of course I did. Right Mom? BUT, acting like that was not an option. Nor was it an option for my two kids. If I ever got out of line, my mom would give me “the look”. That’s it. Or maybe occasionally she would threaten to “count to three”. That’s all she had to do. Period. What happened when she got to 3? Are you kidding me? I have no clue. It was like instant death or something, I’m sure. Like maybe a laser beam would project from her eyes and incinerate me where I stood. I never had the eight year old gonads to find out!
Based on a poll of 1,607 U.S. parents of children ages 5 to 17, only 34 percent of parents believe they’ve succeeded in teaching their kids self-control and self-discipline – that is, the ability to wait, to think before acting and to understand potential consequences of their actions. – 2002 report from non-profit Public Agenda
Call In A Specialist, Mom Needs Help
Now, I’m no Doctor Spock, and I don’t profess to have all the answers. But that spoiled rotten little brat needs to be reined in. He needs to be taught some things that are foreign to him, like respect, self discipline and some basic manners. In my opinion, he obviously needs some discipline. Teaching our kids to be respectful, rational and well behaved human beings, begins at home. You can’t expect them to know how to behave in public when they are allowed to run wild at home. I know what you’re thinking, everyone knows what to do with the kicking horse, except the one whose got him. But damn, it’s time for this mother to take control of the situation and grab the bull by the horns. Being told “No.” is just a fact of life. AND life’s tough, you can’t always get what you want. The earlier this lesson is learned the better. Okay……..that’s all I have to say about that.
Things To Remember – My 2 Cents
- Don’t be afraid to put your foot down.
- Saying “no” is okay…say it with me…No. There, that wasn’t that hard, was it?
- Being a good parent is not solely dependent on being a best friend.
- Good behavior in public begins with good behavior at home.
- Instant gratification is not a God given right.
- Children learn by example, so step up.
Being a good parent requires knowing when to say no and having the wisdom to know when to say yes. – me, just now.
What do you think? How would you react if your child were to act like this boy? Has it ever happened?
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My name is John.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I think this is a classical example of where the parent(s) messed up from the start. So many parents do not grasp what it really takes to be a parent and forget to teach their kids certain things at an very early age. I mean teach in a nice calm manner, not by screaming, yelling and beating it into your child. It really starts from day one. I have seen both examples before. Those who actually take their time and teach their kids display far greater love than those who just let their kids have it their way…but that is just my opinion. Nice post John.
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Parenting is tough and entails great responsibility. I am not yet a parent but I am the eldest in the family that I sometimes take responsibility with my younger siblings. I would truly say being a parent is a gift from God. As they say, there is no school for parenting. Tendency is that what kind of parenting you had from your parents would most likely be the kind of parenting you will do with your children.
I strongly agree that good traits and values such as self-control and discipline should come first at home. That is why parents should learn to set themselves as examples. They need to “walk their talk”. A child will never learn to respect his/her parents unless his father and mother show respect with each other as well. Some parents would tend to tolerate their child as an escape for shame (just like your example, the kid is screaming at the top of his lungs in public places). They would also tend to be so “overprotective” with their child that they forget in reality, pain is inevitable. The younger the child the better he/she needs to learn these important things in life.
P.S. Well, I am so thankful that God gave me such parents.
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John, This is a Post for the ages. It needs to be re-posted, shared, all over the blogosphere. You need to be interviewed, on the Today Show, or something. I am being drop, dead serious(for once). This has struck a cord, with me, as a parent of a 21year old male, and almost 19 year old, female. Parenting IS, the most difficult, trying to find reward, for the risk, jobs EVER. These, are the things that struck me…
* No, means No, and once you start down the road, stick to it, be consistent.
* You and your mate, do have to teach, your kid, respect, and self-discipline, from Birth.
* You and your mate, must lead from example.
* You and your mate, as well as extended family/friends must be on the same page.
That being said, My Mom, had the count. But, sometimes had to chase me with the spoon. My Dad, had the look. It dropped me, in my tracks, begging forgiveness. Yet, he NEVER laid a hand on me, that I can recall.
I NEVER, disrespected my parents(the occasional fib/lie, to get my way). I never, really argued, tantrum-ed. I started to say F-You, once, and before my lips made it past the forming of the F, my Dad and the LOOK, had me backed up against a wall. Stopped dead. I had these thoughts, I think it’s human nature, but I kept them in my head.
I’m running long. But the point is, really none of these behaviour models worked on my kids(still basically good kids). I observe, like you, the behaviour of others. Respect and Self-Discipline, are gone! Is it the kool-aid, water, environment, or what?
Peace.
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Great post, you have a wonderful way of telling a story. I am not a parent but I think nowadays, kids get away with murder. There are no more spankings, or any kind of wrong and right what so ever. So the kids don’t learn any respect at all. When I was a child, we had to tow the line all the time. That woman probably would have gotten in trouble if she had snatched that kid up off the floor which is what should have happened. Wouldn’t you like to see that kid’s face if he was snatched up and set straight.
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John, Scuba tv, as my last blog???? Adgitize down too, wierd day. Hope Football helps!
Peace.
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John reply on January 24th, 2010 4:20 pm:
Hey Don, I’m not sure what’s going on with CommentLuv. I installed an update a couple of days ago, I’m thinking it has issues! I am going to try and manually fix your “last blog”. Sorry about that! I wonder what’s going on with Adgitize? I hope it gets back up before midnight…
It is a strange day indeed…I didn’t get any email notifications about the comments on this post. All day I’ve been thinking I’m about as popular as the swine flu. I logged in and found 6 comments…weird!
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John reply on January 24th, 2010 5:15 pm:
I was able to fix your “last blog” on both posts.
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I don’t remember there EVER being any “negotiating” with my parents when they told me that I couldn’t have or do something. No was NO. If it was a good day, I’d be given the reason for the no when I asked “why not”. Most of the time it was “because I said so”. And that was the end of it!
Not saying that their way was the absolute right way (I absolutely hated it!!!), but their stern discipline and clear definition of who was the boss created a polite, conscientious, well raised person with manners, who knows to always consider other people and who knows that not everything in life is always supposed to go your way.
Thank you, excuse me, please and all of that. Oh, and ‘ yes,sir ‘, ‘ yes, ma’am ‘. All adults were addressed as Miss this or Mr that. None of that calling one of your elders by their first name like I see some kids get to do lately. Any 8 or 10 year old calling me “Yvonne” gets the sternest of looks. It’s “Miss Yvonne” until you’re at least 18, get it? You are not one of my peers. Don’t let me have to tell you again! lol
I see what some parents call parenting out here nowadays and it makes me cringe. What the hell happened to actually raising your child instead of giving in to appease them just to get them out of your hair for a few moments?
It’s a really sad state of affairs, if you ask me. It’s also part of the bigger problem, as they grow up to be adults with no boundaries, no self discipline, no manners and no consideration for others. And that is exactly what happens. Just look around you.
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As mom to 8, the answer is still “NO”. Seriously, my children know better than to keep asking. They lose more when they persist.
If it ever did get to the point of a kicking and screaming tantrum, the cart would be left and the child picked up and removed from the store. If I needed to redo all my shopping later after Dad got home, that is what I would do. Giving in now means more heartache later!
On the other hand, my children know that I love to say “YES” it is feasible and when the behavior warrants it!
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By choice, I am childfree, but I have to say, if I had a kid that behaved like that, he would 1) SO not have gotten the magazine and 2) been sent to his room with no tv or computer games for the rest of the afternoon, 3) once he had had the time to calm down, we would have had a little talk about his behavior and how it contributed to his punishment. Honestly, I am clueless about parenthood, but this just seems like a no-brainer. I mean, how can a parent give in to a tantrum-throwing kid and not realize what it’s doing to his character?
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Hey John good post and I couldn’t agree more. Kids get away with so much and their are so many parents that raise spoiled brats. My brother would pull those same temper tantrums and it has led to him having an attitude of he gets what he wants whenever he wants even as an adult because my mom would give in and buy the candy bar he wanted. When I have kids i’m not going to give in to tantrums.
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Beth and The Diva are spot on.
I feel for the Mum, I really do but she totally did the wrong thing by giving in after such an extended period of saying No. I don’t care if the entire shopping centre is staring (everyone who has ever had a toddler has experienced it at least once) as the adult her responsibility to the child and his future behaviour based on what the incident teaches him is more important than any level of embaressment.
Studies in behaviour have shown that this type of reward after such a long battle has a far, far FAR worse effect on future behaviour than giving in immediately.
Give in immediately or do not give in. That’s the choice at the start of the battle of wills.
Think about it. What has the child learnt from this incident and how will it affect future behaviour?
The child (has obviously previously learned) that No is negotiable. The only way to change this is to choose your battles so that once you say No, you never give in and the child will learn that No is not negotiable. If you don’t have the strength to fight the good fight all the way to the end no matter what – don’t fight.
See,m when you have a battle of wills and lose, No becomes negotiable again and worst of all, the longer it takes to give in, the longer the child will misbehave next time as the child has learned that winning the battle and getting the reward is dependednt on the length of time battling and the level of misbehaviour!
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If I;d pulled something like that as a kid, I’d been taken out of the store and my mother would not have let me go with her to the store the next time.
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Parents today have forgotten that being a parent is a JOB, it’s not suppose to be fun 24 7, nor are you suppose to be their best friend or strive to be.
Wrong. First, and I suspect this is the actual problem. Mom failed before they even got to the store. Did she remind him how to act, did she remind him because of his behavior he would receive no goodies? I think not. If you act up out in public, it will be a long time before you get to out in public again.
Then you get back to the other problem….clearly, she is not in charge, and has not been if she states he had been promising to clean his room for a week. Who get’s a whole week to accomplish one task?
Say NO, mean NO and make sure the child knows what the meaning of NO means.
Sandy
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Wow, this was almost an example of good parenting until the end. I think the mom’s real mistake was the first time she let him get away with doing something like that. From then on, he always knew that “no” doesn’t *always always* mean “no.” He knew that as a last resort he could always pull that card and he would get his way. It’s hard being a parent and very hard to say no to your kids. But it’s important to their development. -Mark
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I actually can relate to the Mother – been there done that. I used to dread taking my kids to the store- esp. my daughter. She would cry and want everything. Believe me you want to die when the kid is screaming for something and everyone is staring at you like you are the worst mother in the world for not buying the kid something. You do either have to grab the kid kicking and screaming and just leave the store or just buy whatever the heck they want just to shut them up. Not saying that’s right, but sometimes that is your only option. Luckily my kids are older now and pretty much over that stage, but I really can see where the mother is coming from.
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I was never given the chance to negotiate with my Mom when I was that age. My mom’s word was final.
Children nowadays, are like that although, I’m not generalizing. Although, I’m not a parent I have tried playing the role of one when my nieces and nephews were growing up. I would not have done what the Mom in your story did. When children are given the chance they are well too familiar with a situation already that they know what kind of ammunition they need to have/do to get what they want. I can bet, this was not the first time he did this.
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Training starts early, well before age 8. This mom apparently is trying now to get control but has a major issue to deal with now. I have no children so it’s always easy to say what I think I would have done, but who knows until I’m actually in that situation. The mom did good holding out until the head bashing incident. At that point, I think I would have bought the magazine BUT not give it to him until he earned it by shaping up, cleaning his room, going a week without a tantrum and then, I’d give him the magazine. Maybe that’s her plan too–I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
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